Dawn is when the melancholy sets in. Usually, anyway. Lately I have felt it too damn often. My life is so strange right now. Yesterday, this guy looked at me and said, "You're so lucky. You live in Paradise." In my head, I started laughing. It grew to near-maniacal. I began to sob hysterically. I wept so hard that I couldn't breathe. What the handsome, stupid man saw was just a girl with a slightly sad smile. I went down to the water, spent a little while finding clams with my son, and then he and I fell asleep together on the dock. It was a beautiful day. a sad, wretched day.
I miss my mother. Goddammit. She was fucking crazy, often cruel, and strong as hell. And I am more like her than I ever wanted to be. I hate that. I watched a movie last night. Neverwas. It's a really good movie. I felt so alone when it was over. I thought about my mother, how insane she was, how much she'd have loved it. How in spite of her insanity, she did love me and she was there for me. I am so fucking sick of feeling so goddamn alone. You're there. I have you. kinda. and I have the watered-down versions of you, but I am still alone.